Yesterday was a very tough day. I think it is probably safe to say it was one of the worst days of my life. I’m sure I don’t need to spend a lot of time telling you how much I loved her, as I elaborated on so many posts in the past:

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! – 11/27/03
My Dog Runs From Her Butt! – 08/09/04
Seeing Red – 05/07/05
My Baby Girl – 06/29/05
A Prayer for My Pup – 07/19/06
Man’s Best Friend – 10/14/06

My old girl hasn’t been able to sleep with me since she’s been blind, deaf and more frail because she would fall off the bed and potentially hurt herself. So, Friday night I pulled the mattress off our bed and drug it into the living room. After Gabey went to sleep, I pulled Taz-Cee onto the matress and cuddled her until she fell asleep. Then Taz-Cee, Gabe and I slept on the living room floor. I let her enjoy one of her last two bones on Friday and the next on Saturday morning. I left the matress in the living room for us to cuddle on throughout the morning on Saturday. At 12:30 PM, we left for the Veterinarian clinic. I held her close all the way there. Then we had some waiting time in an examination room until the vet came in to see us. We put her down on the floor because she was sick of being held. She seemed happier than Mike and I have seen her in a while. She wagged her little tail whenever she found us. Mike would make kiss noises and she’d jump into the air a little bit toward him. I’m very glad to know that she got some extra attention in the last hours of her life and that in the last minutes of her life she was a happy girl.

She went to sleep so fast, I wished I had just a few more minutes…but if I had a few more minutes, I’m sure I still would have wished for more. We brought her home with us and buried her in the back yard. I wanted her close to me, so I asked Mike to put her right off the patio outside of the back door. I will mark her grave with some flowers in the spring. I love her more than most people and I miss her more than anyone could possibly imagine.

I haven’t been posting lately, but this time, it isn’t because I’ve been too busy or tired. My heart has been heavy and I just haven’t wanted to talk about it.

I scheduled an appointment for Taz-Cee to be groomed last week. She’s always happier when she’s clean and I really want her to be as happy as possible right now. A week from today, I will hold her in my arms as she falls asleep and crosses over to the other side. It is going to be a very long week and next weekend will be a little slice of hell for me. Although my heart breaks, I will be glad to release her from the dark and silent prison that she’s living in right now.

I love her with all my heart and I couldn’t have asked for a more faithful companion for the past 15 years.

I recently received a comment from Amanda on a previous post and all I can say is that I’m touched and I think what she has to say is very important. Please click the link above. Thanks!

I’ve been having a rough time lately. I’m a little overwhelmed with the transition back to work. Mainly because I really got bitten by the housewife bug during my time off. Now that I’m back at work, I don’t want to have a trashy house, nor do I want to feed my family fast food every night. Yet, it is difficult to do otherwise. Gabe gets up around 6 AM. From 6-6:30 AM I try to wake up, drink my coffee while Gabe has his chocolate milk. From 6:30-7:00 AM I’m trying to get ready, while entertaining my son. At 7:00 AM, I make our breakfast and at 7:20 AM, I wake up Mike and then I’m out the door by 7:30 AM. From 8:00 AM to 5:00/5:30 PM I’m working and rarely taking a break. I get home and heat up dinner (I’ve been preparing our weekly dinners on the weekend). If Gabe and I are lucky, Mike will join us for dinner before going straight to bed. After dinner, it is time for Gabe’s bath. He needs to be in the bath by 7:00 PM or he gets too sleepy and grumpy to bathe. Then at 7:30 PM he has his evening chocolate milk. At 8:00 PM we watch Little Einsteins and at 8:30 PM I take Gabe to Bed. If I can manage, I try and get a load of laundry and a load of dishes done before jumping in the shower and getting to bed around 10:30 PM. If Mike wakes up before 9:00 PM, I typically put any housework on hold to hang with him until he has to leave. So bedtime can be closer to 11:00/11:30 PM.

Then on the weekend, I’m catching up the laundry and cooking our meals. I typically have to use that time to catch up on Avon too.

To top it off, this weekend I’ve been sick with a really bad cold. I’m aching, coughing, tired and my nose aches from all the blowing. So this weekend has been particularly tough. Yet today, I made myself clean up so I could join my husband and son for lunch with my brother-in-law and his lovely bride. I’m glad I did, because they are a joy to be around and a real pick-me-up. However, the icing on the cake…we decided to take Gabe to the park after lunch. He’s been slowly getting more brave at the park. Our first couple of visits were no fun at all. He was scared and didn’t want anything to do with any of the park equipment. The last time I took him, he was a little more courageous and actually had fun. He would climb just a few of the steps of the big jungle gym/slide apparatus.

Well today, he was ready to take it on. He climbed all the way up to the top and willingly took the slide with his Daddy. He did that a few times before he was ready to take the slide on his own. For the first time in my life, I caught my beautiful son in my arms as he smiled all the way down that yellow park slide. It was wonderful. I tear up just thinking about it. I’m sure I was still tired and sick…but for that brief moment in time, I really didn’t feel it. I only felt the joy that comes with being a mother…the joy that comes from seeing that little boy grow-up…the joy that comes with seeing that wonderful smile on his sweet little face.

I’m so glad we went to the park today. I remembered how wonderful my life is. I remembered why I’m more tired these days. I remembered why I don’t want to feed my child fast food every day. I remembered why I don’t see my husband as often as I’d like. I remembered that I was given a gift…a miracle. I am a Mom and I wouldn’t change a thing.